An Open Secret
Not about the film by Amy Berg - I only learnt of it afterwards. I’ll add it to my lists…
My daughter is studying hard for her final school-leaving exams - at least the ‘Mock’ versions now, with the real deal to come soon. Her efforts, and experiences of her classmates inspired me to write this.
If you are sitting exams right now, the pressure feels immense. But Jungian analyst James Hollis PhD has a radical theory: the anxiety you feel is often inherited. We unconsciously try to live out the dreams our parents abandoned or choose "safe" careers to soothe their fears.
Even the poet Philip Larkin knew that parents pass on their own baggage - not out of malice, but often out of unhealed fear.
Images via Unsplash by @ilqvch. @tombrunberg. @mavon.vusual. @gaspar.zaldo. @philaicken. @sixteenmilesout. (Instagram handles).
This mock exam season, remember the difference between "Schooling" (learning to comply) and "Education" (drawing forth who you really are).
Your only job right now isn't to be a trophy or a safety net for the adults in your life. Your job is to answer one question:
Does this path make me larger or smaller?
Good luck. Be your clunky, chunky, beautiful selves.
In other words - your parents sometimes have their 💩 to deal with too, and (just sometimes) you can be the 🚽 for it!
Choose your future - Don’t have it chosen for you - Don’t slip into something that isn’t you.
PARENTS (CAN) FU*K YOU UP
1: The Invisible Backpack - The "Unlived Life"
That crushing weight on your chest right before the exam hall…
It isn’t just fear of future failure. It may be partly the invisible backpack of your parents’ unlived lives.
The dreams they abandoned, the safety they never felt, the validation they crave.
Are you carrying their anxiety, and your own? Put the bag down. It isn't yours to carry.
2: Philip Larkin – Compassionate Realism
Larkin wrote,
"They f**k you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do."
But looking closer, we see the truth: They might hand you their fears like old, heavy coats because they are terrified you will be cold. They can fill you with the faults they had because they don’t know any other way to love.
Can you forgive them for their "style”? You don’t have to wear that coat.
3: Educare vs. Compliance - The distinction between School and Soul
School asks you to memorize and repeat. It asks: How can you fit into the machine?
But true Education means "to lead out" or "to draw forth."
What is naturally inside your soul? Is it eccentric, clunky, and real?
Don't let exams bury the person you are becoming.
4: The Sensing Mechanism & the "Provisional Personality"
You have spent years intuitively knowing exactly what to achieve to make your parents feel safe. You may contort yourself to heal their insecurity.
Can you let go of your "False Self”? That suffocating mask you sometimes wear Just to survive.
5: The Only Question That Matters - Choosing a path vs. pleasing others
If your path is money or status, Go that way if you so wish,
But face the question that counts: "Does this path make me larger, or smaller?"
Expand my energy, or drain it? Does it feed my spirit, or my parents' ego?
Go where you LIVE LARGE.
6: The Permission Slip - Conclusion & Hope
Become most fully yourself.
So, take a deep breath and pause. You are not a project to be managed. You are not a vessel for someone else's redemption. You are precious. You are distinct.
Try not to hurt anyone, but never stop becoming who you are.
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