On Starting Somewhere - With Gratitude
The fear of the blank page - Whether writing or designing…
I had scoured my mind, thinking and wondering, like I usually had done, how I would start…
How would I first mark this "paper"? That fear of the blank page, that kept me paralyzed so many times in the past, had crept back in.
How should I begin?
The ego demanded perfection, and most likely it sought acknowledgement here too. The heart, however, wants only to feel – love, and to offer gratitude. The heart wants that to emanate out, without telling a soul, like a gift given without an expectation of anything in return.
The ego mind wanted me to do, and do more; the heart felt that I only had to sit, and to be still. The mind knew only what others had told it. My heart felt all along what was authentically me, what needed to come forth.
"Come back," it said, "Come back to me."
Finally, in the quietness, I did begin to listen. Then I dared to gently whisper in return, "I hear you now. I can feel you again." “I will never let you go.”
Yet, while I whispered, I did let go. I let go of all that was not me, not truly me.
Not the True me.
I had been here before, when I was small, and the light that had been dimmed for so long was now beginning to bravely and tentatively shine again. I recognised it, and it felt like home.
Then the soft tears came, and I realised that I was home.
It came in a pause from thinking – in that precious space created by my meditations, where I know that things always flow. Why had I resisted so much? (That is a question for another day).
For now, the answer to how I should mark this first page is making its energy felt and it is pressing me to begin. This is not Doing, this is me Being.
The answer? It is Gratitude. It can only be gratitude, which is love. I must start here. ⊙ Everything flows forth from gratitude and love. This is my gratitude, my love, my energy, and my prayer.
I am returning to prayer as well as stillness, and to my True Self.
My gratitude will radiate outward in the form of waves of light dancing on the surface of the most crystalline waters. I Am water, I Am light, and water and light will be the media I shall use.
Where my gratitude meets yours, it will resonate, and it will increase in amplitude. Where it encounters any resistance, the amplitude of my gratitude will gently and forgivingly push that back and transmute it’s force into yet more Gratitude, more Love.
With Thanks and Love to the souls who are guides and mirrors:
Roisin, Janet, Naoise, James, Bhola, Robert, Dawn, Dawn, Andrew, Shane, Karen, Grainne, Britney, Marc, Sao, Elin, Stephen, Eric, Carmel, Declan, Susan, Caroline, Shay, others unnamed , and especially Maya & Eva – two of the most pure and sparkling mirrors I have ever gazed into.
When you let it, it will align, and it will flow once again. Love and Gratitude – Let's start here and move forward in the now.
Making the first marks on a blank page - Enso