Mary & John - A bit of a saga
This a first in a series of posts exploring relationships and what can go on in the worlds behind closed doors - in the dances that take place between Covert Narcissist (CN) and Empaths / Highly Sensitive Souls (HSP - Highly sensitive person).
You might have heard of Mary & John, John & Mary,
From Father Ted?
If not - See some clips below. Comedy is often funniest when it cuts close to the bone.
I’m not quite sure if they were was bad as each other, equal in their tragic comedy, - but in the dance between the CN and the HSP the malice certainly is not equal.
Everyone thinks it so it must be true…
I’m just sort of dumping this first bit here for now. I’ll return and add some more.
This is pretty much a factual account of the dynamics within a lengthy marriage between a Covert Narcissist and an Empath. It has been made with NoteBookLM from a huge amount of notes and recollections. The NoteBookLM generator does slightly dramaticise things - but really, only slightly. I'll come back to fine-tune this soon.
Or, maybe John’s just too Sensitive?
Following a particular episode in this Saga, John wrote a commitment that he intends to keep. Placing it here, sets it in (Digital) Stone.
Never Again.
Will you shout and rage at me in front on our children, or when they are around.
Never Again.
Will you accuse me and insinuate untruths in their presence.
Never Again.
Will you leave our daughter crying in my arms after your rage.
Never Again.
Will you shout, rage at, or make them feel less than the wonderful Divine Beings that they truly are.
Never Again.
Will this happen.
This is not what love looks like.
Not Even Close.
I Will Make Sure.
NEVER AGAIN.
This is My Commitment,
Made to ALL OF US.
Made from Pure Love.
27.01.2026
Now, the funny bit…
Funny, Not Funny!
Glossary of Psychological & Behavioral Terms
Projective Identification
A process where one person splits off an unwanted emotion (e.g., anger, anxiety) and unconsciously induces the other person to feel and act it out.
Your partner micromanaging your driving until you feel fear/anxiety, allowing her to feel like the calm "supervisor."
Karpman Drama Triangle
A dysfunctional social interaction involving three roles: Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor.
She acts as Persecutor (shouting), you Rescuer (trying to fix/diffuse), then she shifts to Victim ("You're attacking me").
Double Bind
A situation where a person is confronted with two irreconcilable demands or a choice where both options are wrong.
If you chose music you liked (Darkside), you were selfish. If you guessed what she liked and missed, you were insensitive. You couldn't win.
Gaslighting
A form of manipulation that makes someone question their own reality, memory, or sanity.
Denying she said things ("I never said that"), claiming "Everyone says this about you" (The Rebecca incident), or accusing you of having an "attitude" when you are simply protecting your privacy.
Triangulation
Involving a third party to stabilize a relationship or validate one side against the other.
"Everyone says this about you," or using Rebecca's mother to voice a fabricated criticism. Triangulation by Proxy: Using the doctor to pathologize you.
Gray Rock
A strategy of becoming unresponsive and uninteresting to a toxic person to deny them emotional fuel.
Withdrawing, becoming quiet ("flat"), or refusing to engage in arguments to protect your energy.
Learned Helplessness
A state where one feels unable to control or change a situation, leading to passivity or depression.
Stopping the "fight" response and moving to "shut down" because arguing never works and you feel "hopeless."
Pursuer-Distancer
A cycle where one partner demands connection/attention (Pursuer) and the other withdraws (Distancer).
She shouts/attacks/probes (Pursuer); you withdraw/leave the room/hide the screen (Distancer); she follows you (Escalation).
DARVO
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. A tactic used by abusers to evade accountability.
When you recorded her (proof), she threatened to call the police, casting you as the offender and herself as the victim.
Narcissistic Injury
Intense anger or rage experienced by a narcissist when their self-esteem or "False Self" is threatened.
Her "nuclear response" (police threat) when you held up the phone (mirror) which threatened her "Good Person" image.
Intermittent Reinforcement
Delivering rewards (kindness) unpredictably to keep a partner hooked in a cycle of abuse.
The "nice dinner" followed by a rage incident 2 weeks later. It keeps you hoping for the "good" version of her.
Cognitive Dissonance
Mental stress experienced when holding two contradictory beliefs or values.
Trying to believe she is a loving partner while experiencing her shouting and threats; your "True Self" vs. "False Self."
Malice Attribution Bias
The tendency to interpret ambiguous or benign actions as hostile.
Accusing you of choosing the Darkside band specifically to upset her ("knowingly done so"), rather than because you liked it.
Somatic Marker
A physical sensation that signals an emotional state or warning from the body.
Your heart rate rising in the car; the "fetal position" collapse; the abdominal pain with no medical cause.
Extinction Burst
A temporary increase in the frequency/intensity of a behavior when reinforcement is removed.
When you try to leave the room (remove attention), she shouts louder or follows you to force engagement.
Systemic Collusion
When a therapist inadvertently aligns with the abuser, reinforcing the victim's powerlessness.
The therapist 16 years ago treating the abuse as a "communication issue," leading you to resign yourself to the dynamic.
Trauma Bond
A strong emotional attachment between an abused person and their abuser, formed by intermittent reinforcement.
Staying for 19+ years despite the abuse because the fear of leaving/hurting the family outweighs the pain of staying.
Thin Slicing
The ability to find patterns in events based only on "thin slices," or narrow windows, of experience.
The Tarot reader's daughter immediately seeing that you and your partner "do not fit" after a brief interaction.
Splitting
Failure to bring together both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole.
Her viewing you as "All Bad" (Selfish/Inconsiderate) during a conflict, unable to access positive memories.
Fawn Response
A trauma response where a person develops people-pleasing behaviors to avoid conflict and establish safety.
"Denying the reality of my experience and just going along to get along" to survive the marriage.
J.A.D.E.
Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. A defensive communication style that fuels conflict with high-conflict personalities.
Trying to explain "there are two people" in the relationship or defending your tone as "normal" during the circular argument.
Tone Policing
A manipulation tactic where a person attacks the tone of an argument rather than the content to invalidate the speaker.
Mary complaining your response is "flat" or "unloving" to distract from the fact that she invaded your privacy.
Echoism
A personality trait where an individual suppresses their own voice to echo the desires/opinions of others.
Mary's father sitting on the periphery and only repeating what others say. Mary mimicking social joviality.
As-If Personality
An individual who mimics normalcy and emotional responses due to a lack of genuine inner identity.
Mary "curating" architecture projects from Pinterest rather than creating from within; mimicking social joviality.
Devaluation
A defense mechanism where a person attributes exaggerated negative qualities to the self or others to mitigate a threat.
Mary calling your spiritual books "dusty old books" to strip them of their power/threat.
Emotional Anorexia
The systematic withholding of emotional intimacy or nourishment in a relationship.
Your withdrawal of vulnerability and affection because the environment is too toxic to sustain it.
Confirmation Bias
The tendency to search for, interpret, and recall information in a way that confirms one's preexisting beliefs.
Mary interpreting your silence, your friend, and your laptop use as "proof" that she is unloved/neglected.
Spiritual Emergence
A crisis where spiritual opening or awakening is mistaken for psychosis or mania by the medical model.
Your experience in Melbourne of "flow" and insight being labeled as mania by the doctors.
Pathologization
Labeling normal or spiritual traits (sensitivity, depth) as a medical illness to control them.
The doctor treating your spiritual awakening and withdrawal from toxic environments as "symptoms" of Bipolar II.
Biomedical Reductionism
Reducing complex human/spiritual experiences to simple chemical imbalances.
The doctors seeing your "Soul trying to break through" merely as a "bag of chemicals" needing restabilization.
External Locus of Control
Believing that events are caused by external factors rather than one's own actions.
Mary blaming the "uneven mats" for spilling the soup rather than her own hand.
Displacement
Redirecting negative emotions from their original source to a safer, substitute target.
Mary "kicking the cat" (snapping at you) about the soup bowls because she was angry at herself for spilling.
Parentification
A role reversal where a child is obliged to act as a parent to their own parent or sibling.
Your 18-year-old daughter calming Mary down and mopping up soup while Mary was in a fluster.
Mirroring
The psychodynamic process where a parent/partner reflects back a person's worth and existence.
Mary giving you a "vacant look" when you share deep things, failing to mirror your excitement.
Containment
The psychological act of holding intense emotions or processes safely without spilling them.
Keeping your spiritual studies private (Hermetic Seal) to protect them from being attacked.
Transactional Relationship
A dynamic based on exchange ("I did X so you owe me Y") rather than mutual care.
"After all I've done for you..." being used as leverage to force you into compliance (ECT).
Energetic Decontamination
The process of clearing one's energy field of external emotions and influences.
Sleeping alone and detoxing at Exeter House, resulting in a physical change in your appearance.
Narcissistic Rage
An explosive, disproportionate reaction to a perceived slight or threat to the ego.
The shouting and "toxic energy mess" following the accidental breakage of the Ikea glass.
Kitchen-Sinking
Bringing up a laundry list of past grievances during a current argument to overwhelm the partner.
Accusing you of "never accepting blame" and "never apologizing" because of a single broken glass.
Conversation Narcissism
Dominating a conversation or constantly steering it back to oneself to gain attention.
Mary hijacking your punchlines or finishing your sentences to steal the social "supply."