Still Looking for Milk in the Hardware Store?
"Look, about the sign, you've only just put it up and its really small".
"Most people aren't even going to notice it, and even I'm just seeing it now."
"So, is it a temporary shortage, or do you really just not sell milk?"
I was reading “Finding Meaning In The Second Half” of Life by James Hollis when I came across the phrase for the first time: "Stop going to the hardware store for milk".
Hollis / Still asking for Milk in the hardware store? / Still watering concrete… Expecting flowers?
Describing the frustration of expecting emotional support or validation from people who are incapable of providing it.
Have you noticed that some people keep going back and asking for something when it’s pretty clear they’re not going to get it?
When someone shows you who they are - believe them.
Notes:
The phrase "Stop asking for milk in the hardware store" is a metaphor used in psychology to describe the futility of seeking emotional nourishment (validation, empathy, support, love) from a person who is incapable of providing it—specifically, a covert narcissist.
It means accepting that the person you are dealing with lacks the "inventory" to meet your needs, just as a hardware store does not stock milk.
Covert narcissists, while often appearing shy, self-effacing, or even victimized, share the same underlying lack of empathy and inability to form true, reciprocal emotional bonds as overt narcissists.
The Hardware Store: Represents the covert narcissist—someone who may be skilled at presenting a facade of charm or victimhood, but lacks emotional depth.
The Milk: Represents the validation, love, and support you are trying to get from them.
The Act: You are wasting energy trying to get nurturing from an emotionally empty place.